INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”