Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
respect
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My diet starts in January
of 2027