Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me when my alarm goes off
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught