Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
In case you needed to hear it:
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My favorite female superhero
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.