Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.