Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.