Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.