Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
A little too much information.