Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.