You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom