If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!