I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.