Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
yall want some gasoline milk
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
NOT all policemen are strippers.