Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?