INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
No chill.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
They’re really bad with fonts.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A family that plays together cheats.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?