Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
You Might Also Like
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
work smarter, not harder
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.