interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The cashier just checked me out.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day