interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When libraries troll their patrons.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Oh yeah that’s it