Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for