My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
You Might Also Like
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
new year update: losing everything but weight
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very