Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
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person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That鈥檚 my fault. We鈥檒l try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn鈥檛 come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I can cook up any meal but I can鈥檛 peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you鈥檙e trying to force back inside the box.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that鈥檚 less awkward..
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.