Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.