Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
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*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
how was your vacation
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.