INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Jogging
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.