INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies