Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.