Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.