Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Love is in the air fryer.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.