Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.