Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Every. Damn. Time.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!