Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: