interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!