interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
need him
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.