Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
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I hate when that happens.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Nothing.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
same energy
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.