INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
wtf management?!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…