interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.