Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
It’s an epidemic…
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY