Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
You Might Also Like
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Missionary, so we can keep arguing