Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
You Might Also Like
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.