INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Everyone’s family
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
This kid is going places
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.