INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
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My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a