Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
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OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
respect
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.