Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
never forget