Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Saturday
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?