Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
This was the best day of my life
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML