Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
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Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The Backseat Boys
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.