Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Cheer up.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.