My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.