[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
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me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I only eat vegetarians.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…