[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Challenge accepted.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants