If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here